Roller coaster ride

Several months after my TOTGA drama, I've decided to took up a Post graduate school/study. Asside from being a Registered Nurse, I wanted to explore my luck in teaching. I worked every weekdays and went to school during weekends. At first it was going well, I even excell on our class.But time came when I resigned from work and had to train for another company. It didn't went well, I missed classes due to work commitments. Everyday became so tiring for me.  Our class was fun, we were literally different from each other... but we're doing good as a team. Then there's this one guy in  our class; well we didn't talked a lot...not totally friends I would say. To cut it short, he saw something in me.  He started chatting on me and even asked me out. Well at first, couple of times actually I turned him down. But I saw he's sincerity, so I gave it a try. We went out after class, always talking. But there's this one thing that I didn't liked about him, he's always out to drink.  Well, I'm a drunk hard bitch also, but God!Not every single day! And there's this time where he intruduced me as his "girlfriend" to all his friends.. I came to a point where it doesn't feel real. I mean, it's so fast... all I know was we're dating... after that nothing. I wanted to gave him a chance... but not to a point that I have to meet his parents..geeez!
After that, I became busy due to work... I wanted space. Meaning I didn't talk to him for 2 weeks.

Finally, time came where I wish it didn't happen.
There's this guy whom I knew few months ago, from a friend. He looked good, nice and well mannered. The first time I saw him, I wasn't that interested...I was broken then, and I thought he was also that time.  That time I thought he was the same with all the guys out there, good looking means cheater. So going back, he asked me for a drink(with our friends ofcourse).Plans were made but we ended up staying on my place. We got drunk, shared stories and all the nuts. I wasn't about everything. But hat night it felt like I knew him all along.And he's great...and so it happened. I'm not really sure if what we did was normal, but that night was unforgetable. It felt something different, different that I never felt it with anyone. After that I realized that I left someone behind. I felt a strong guilt... it came to a point where I didn't want to come to class anymore...out of shame. I can't face him, I didn't know what to tell him.  It seemed like I am already stuck in a situation that I didn't want to escape---him.
Days passed by, I wasn't expecting anything from him, knowing that it was just a night. But then again, he continued talking to me..asking me to go out.  So I decided to go for it, to prove myself that I chose the right one. That sometimes,rough starts might turned out smoothly. That was the whole plan...The start was good, we both decided to give it a try.  I never mentioned to him anything about the "other guy", well I didn't want to mess up everything at the first place. It went so well... all I know was that I'm already inlove again. It's been a month of "butterlies on my stomach" thing. He's good at being sweet, and making you feel loved.  Yes, we just knew each other for quite sometime, but the hell! I do believe in taking chances...that time has nothing to do with a relationship. But unfortunately, he does.After a month, everything felt like a roller coaster ride. Trust issues, fighthings, missunderstanding...turned out to be: he's not ready for a commitment. He told me he wasn't ready for it, that we rushed everything... but I came to know that he was eyeing for another girl. That's why all those issues came out...out of nothing. And there goes another heart break for me.
I didn't understand what had just happened, though he explained it to me clearly. But not the bitch inside me... the one who doesn't give up with out a god damn fight. So again,I insisted to gave it a try, and I assumed that both party agreed. But this time, everything was diffirent...totally different. No longer the normal relationship. No "I love you's", trust issues ,  cold treatment , and the paranoid me was back. Most of the time we're ok, but rough times became frequent. Another storm came by, and by this time it became a thunder.This one destroyed everything that I was trying to regain... trust, efforts, confidence, happiness , love. But what can I do? His career matters more than anything in this world...so, I'm not an exemption.Fights---always;everyweek, everyday... everytime that we're not together. Then poof! I lost it again. Days, weeks, months...I've tried to cope up, to let go... but this one... I just couldn't. I know I'm a total mess, but with this one, I gave every single thing that I have, I have invested everything. I forgot that my friends does exist, all my time after work was devoted to him, I did everything that he wanted, everything that he says, I loved him fucking real hard! But what did I do wrong? Was that because I am not that pretty? I am not the ideal girl? My job doesn't impress him? Or was it because I am a total mess? Well, it feels like hell. Shit as always. I cried almost everyday... questions I don't have any answer. I tried to distance my self, but I keep on coming back... I loved him, and I still love him. But this love is taking me nowhere. All it does was to hurt me, crush me to the point where I don't know where to start again. I've tried many times, I thought it was gonna work. But I had to wake up... I have to face the truth... I should stop being cruel to myself...I know the answer...I don't have to lie to myself. I know.
He doesn't love me enough to keep me.

So here I am, trying to figure out how to start again...

The one that got away

For the past few years of my life I've been dwelling on the situation that I could never seem to move on. Dwelling on the past that's never gonna come back.I kept all my emotions; anger, anxiety, self pity...call it anything you want or simply:depression. Time comes where I wanted to end it all...so just for once, all the pain will be gone. I kept myself guarded, isolated. I lose people trying to gain myself---again. Two years to be exact. The truth hit me so hard. That the only person who will love me unconditionally was already gone. And no matter how I cry every damn day, no matter how I drown myself to guilt, I will never have him back. Same as the first man I ever loved, was with someone else now. That's when acceptance slapped me face to face. 

After two years of keeping my self guarded from all this love shit. Ignoring people around; not even considering their feelings...yah, that's how hard and cold I am inside. Well then finally! I've decided to open this frozen bitch heart.It was the type of love where everything goes smoothly...STRANGERS- I wasn't looking for love as always. Mingling with friends of my friends. Trying to be a friendly bitch, where I don't have to like everyone..all I had to do, was to tolerate every single person infront of me. I am not friendly...but I am nice, sometimes. 

FRIENDS-Since we have the same circle of friends, I had no choice but to be friends with him...It was a month full of fun, going out almost everyday. It was like the first time where I felt real fun after eternity. A person I didn't have to impress, all I did was to be myself. 

LOVERS- Teasing is normal. From the first time we met, our friends were already teasing us since we're both single. And we're the only human being in the group who's single. What a co-incident! Though we were able to handle all the teasing every single day... Time came where it felt something diffirent. We talked on the phone for 3 hours straight until I fell asleep...(fb messenger and sms not included). Then it became a routine. Times where I am out with my other group of friends and he would wait until we finished so he could drove me home... Then the day came where he confessed to me about how he felt towards me(it's my bestie's fault!). We didn't want to rush everything, so we took it slowly...after more than a month of courtship( I thought it was enough) we officially became lovers. It was happy. For the first time in my life, I felt so important to someone. Someone who makes efforts, who treated me so special, someone who valued me. But then again, my nightmare hunted me. One day I felt that something have changed...that he's no longer like the way he was before; the courship stage. I was so fragile that small things broke my heart into tiny pieces that I can't even pick up...Then I woke up one day, I am no longer myself again. I drove away the person who loves me so much for no valid reason. I dumped him when he's trying so hard to make it up to me every single day. I was lost--again.I've tried to fix it,I've tried to communicate with him, but he wanted time to heal. All the words, the unexpected actions I did... it hurt him so deep.1 week, 2 weeks, 1 month...random conversions, but didn't turned out to anything good. He was hurt because I dumped him for no valid reason...I was hurt because it seemed like he didn't even wanna fight for it. I know it was over. And I did understand. It was my fault after all. I just wish it didn't have to end that way. That it could've turned out differently, and yet I failed. It was a type of relationship that I always wanted, the normal one. But then again, acceptance is the key. We're both doing fine..and he's nailing his career now.