Roller coaster ride

Several months after my TOTGA drama, I've decided to took up a Post graduate school/study. Asside from being a Registered Nurse, I wanted to explore my luck in teaching. I worked every weekdays and went to school during weekends. At first it was going well, I even excell on our class.But time came when I resigned from work and had to train for another company. It didn't went well, I missed classes due to work commitments. Everyday became so tiring for me.  Our class was fun, we were literally different from each other... but we're doing good as a team. Then there's this one guy in  our class; well we didn't talked a lot...not totally friends I would say. To cut it short, he saw something in me.  He started chatting on me and even asked me out. Well at first, couple of times actually I turned him down. But I saw he's sincerity, so I gave it a try. We went out after class, always talking. But there's this one thing that I didn't liked about him, he's always out to drink.  Well, I'm a drunk hard bitch also, but God!Not every single day! And there's this time where he intruduced me as his "girlfriend" to all his friends.. I came to a point where it doesn't feel real. I mean, it's so fast... all I know was we're dating... after that nothing. I wanted to gave him a chance... but not to a point that I have to meet his parents..geeez!
After that, I became busy due to work... I wanted space. Meaning I didn't talk to him for 2 weeks.

Finally, time came where I wish it didn't happen.
There's this guy whom I knew few months ago, from a friend. He looked good, nice and well mannered. The first time I saw him, I wasn't that interested...I was broken then, and I thought he was also that time.  That time I thought he was the same with all the guys out there, good looking means cheater. So going back, he asked me for a drink(with our friends ofcourse).Plans were made but we ended up staying on my place. We got drunk, shared stories and all the nuts. I wasn't about everything. But hat night it felt like I knew him all along.And he's great...and so it happened. I'm not really sure if what we did was normal, but that night was unforgetable. It felt something different, different that I never felt it with anyone. After that I realized that I left someone behind. I felt a strong guilt... it came to a point where I didn't want to come to class anymore...out of shame. I can't face him, I didn't know what to tell him.  It seemed like I am already stuck in a situation that I didn't want to escape---him.
Days passed by, I wasn't expecting anything from him, knowing that it was just a night. But then again, he continued talking to me..asking me to go out.  So I decided to go for it, to prove myself that I chose the right one. That sometimes,rough starts might turned out smoothly. That was the whole plan...The start was good, we both decided to give it a try.  I never mentioned to him anything about the "other guy", well I didn't want to mess up everything at the first place. It went so well... all I know was that I'm already inlove again. It's been a month of "butterlies on my stomach" thing. He's good at being sweet, and making you feel loved.  Yes, we just knew each other for quite sometime, but the hell! I do believe in taking chances...that time has nothing to do with a relationship. But unfortunately, he does.After a month, everything felt like a roller coaster ride. Trust issues, fighthings, missunderstanding...turned out to be: he's not ready for a commitment. He told me he wasn't ready for it, that we rushed everything... but I came to know that he was eyeing for another girl. That's why all those issues came out...out of nothing. And there goes another heart break for me.
I didn't understand what had just happened, though he explained it to me clearly. But not the bitch inside me... the one who doesn't give up with out a god damn fight. So again,I insisted to gave it a try, and I assumed that both party agreed. But this time, everything was diffirent...totally different. No longer the normal relationship. No "I love you's", trust issues ,  cold treatment , and the paranoid me was back. Most of the time we're ok, but rough times became frequent. Another storm came by, and by this time it became a thunder.This one destroyed everything that I was trying to regain... trust, efforts, confidence, happiness , love. But what can I do? His career matters more than anything in this world...so, I'm not an exemption.Fights---always;everyweek, everyday... everytime that we're not together. Then poof! I lost it again. Days, weeks, months...I've tried to cope up, to let go... but this one... I just couldn't. I know I'm a total mess, but with this one, I gave every single thing that I have, I have invested everything. I forgot that my friends does exist, all my time after work was devoted to him, I did everything that he wanted, everything that he says, I loved him fucking real hard! But what did I do wrong? Was that because I am not that pretty? I am not the ideal girl? My job doesn't impress him? Or was it because I am a total mess? Well, it feels like hell. Shit as always. I cried almost everyday... questions I don't have any answer. I tried to distance my self, but I keep on coming back... I loved him, and I still love him. But this love is taking me nowhere. All it does was to hurt me, crush me to the point where I don't know where to start again. I've tried many times, I thought it was gonna work. But I had to wake up... I have to face the truth... I should stop being cruel to myself...I know the answer...I don't have to lie to myself. I know.
He doesn't love me enough to keep me.

So here I am, trying to figure out how to start again...