The one that got away

For the past few years of my life I've been dwelling on the situation that I could never seem to move on. Dwelling on the past that's never gonna come back.I kept all my emotions; anger, anxiety, self pity...call it anything you want or simply:depression. Time comes where I wanted to end it all...so just for once, all the pain will be gone. I kept myself guarded, isolated. I lose people trying to gain myself---again. Two years to be exact. The truth hit me so hard. That the only person who will love me unconditionally was already gone. And no matter how I cry every damn day, no matter how I drown myself to guilt, I will never have him back. Same as the first man I ever loved, was with someone else now. That's when acceptance slapped me face to face. 

After two years of keeping my self guarded from all this love shit. Ignoring people around; not even considering their feelings...yah, that's how hard and cold I am inside. Well then finally! I've decided to open this frozen bitch heart.It was the type of love where everything goes smoothly...STRANGERS- I wasn't looking for love as always. Mingling with friends of my friends. Trying to be a friendly bitch, where I don't have to like everyone..all I had to do, was to tolerate every single person infront of me. I am not friendly...but I am nice, sometimes. 

FRIENDS-Since we have the same circle of friends, I had no choice but to be friends with him...It was a month full of fun, going out almost everyday. It was like the first time where I felt real fun after eternity. A person I didn't have to impress, all I did was to be myself. 

LOVERS- Teasing is normal. From the first time we met, our friends were already teasing us since we're both single. And we're the only human being in the group who's single. What a co-incident! Though we were able to handle all the teasing every single day... Time came where it felt something diffirent. We talked on the phone for 3 hours straight until I fell asleep...(fb messenger and sms not included). Then it became a routine. Times where I am out with my other group of friends and he would wait until we finished so he could drove me home... Then the day came where he confessed to me about how he felt towards me(it's my bestie's fault!). We didn't want to rush everything, so we took it slowly...after more than a month of courtship( I thought it was enough) we officially became lovers. It was happy. For the first time in my life, I felt so important to someone. Someone who makes efforts, who treated me so special, someone who valued me. But then again, my nightmare hunted me. One day I felt that something have changed...that he's no longer like the way he was before; the courship stage. I was so fragile that small things broke my heart into tiny pieces that I can't even pick up...Then I woke up one day, I am no longer myself again. I drove away the person who loves me so much for no valid reason. I dumped him when he's trying so hard to make it up to me every single day. I was lost--again.I've tried to fix it,I've tried to communicate with him, but he wanted time to heal. All the words, the unexpected actions I did... it hurt him so deep.1 week, 2 weeks, 1 month...random conversions, but didn't turned out to anything good. He was hurt because I dumped him for no valid reason...I was hurt because it seemed like he didn't even wanna fight for it. I know it was over. And I did understand. It was my fault after all. I just wish it didn't have to end that way. That it could've turned out differently, and yet I failed. It was a type of relationship that I always wanted, the normal one. But then again, acceptance is the key. We're both doing fine..and he's nailing his career now.